Guest Post: How I met my first and last Wife

Note to the Reader:  This guest poster will remain anonymous until revealing the identity of the individually is optimally dramatic and grandiose.  To piss him off and perhaps amuse him, he'll be referred to as Nony.  Get it?  From Anonymous?

Anyway, he is theatrical as shit, but there are so many layers to his writing.  Pay close attention to these weekly guest posts.  Note that the Nony guest posts are part of a series.  The labels on this blog will indicate to which series guest posts belong, as I plan on having other guest posters.

Note to the Creative Writers:  For those of you who dabble with creative writing and think you have a piece that pertains to the contemporary human condition...I want to have you as a guest poster!  Shoot me a comment at the end of this blog if you're interested.  Please feel free to tweet me as well if you're thinking of dabbling in creative writing here:  @LoveMiaLi.

Now... Sit up.  Pay attention.  Probably even read the story a few times.  Get furiously annoyed that it is brief, but know there will be more next week.

      How I met my first and last Wife

      "I'm sorry, you are stupid attractive" I failed to say charmingly.

      "What?" she snapped in that short crisp bitchy tone that only women (and gay men) can quite pull off without sounding like a woman or a gay man. That sounds redundant, but it's not, you're just dumb.

      "Wait, no!" and violating all common sense waving my hands like a mad man I rambled, "Foot in mouth disorder."

      At that point the look she was giving me was more "I'm going to call the police" than "Oh you're so adorable I just want to suck your dick until your eyes roll into the back of your head and melt!" as I had imagined it playing out as I watched her magnified graceful form through the scope mounted on my rifle.

      Run-on sentence much?

      Finally, she gave me a confused little smile, I set my sights on it and bore into the depths of my dark and twisted "soul" for any divine spark or some such thing to help me recover. When I came up utterly empty handed, I took one from the devil for a reasonable (albeit unfixed) interest rate.

      I looked her in the eye and after one last small flourish of gesticulated frustration, I dropped my hands to my sides as if to signal my surrender.

      I sighed and with a shrugged blurted, "What I meant was-" I pointed a finger at my temple, "You are so bloody attractive that it is making it really hard for me to think straight right now, it feels like my brain has been marinated in retarded and set to bake at 350. Seeing you carrying all those bags so precariously and in that all too realistic and drab nurses uniform... you are just the perfect image of American femininity. I'm sorry." I finished with a slightly depressed sigh and locked my eyes on a stain on the rug. The world seemed to vibrate and wobble in and out of focus as my eyes moistened.

         By the time I was done puzzling out the origin of events that led to the stain on the carpet the hard look in her eyes hard softened to the one I had imagined through the aforementioned scope. Oh, and on that note, I wasn't planning anything crazy mind you with that rifle, no sir I truly wasn't.

      It was just the most convenient device I had handy at the moment I decided to stalk this woman.

      ...wait.   

      I know that sounds way worse, please hear me out before you pull the trigger, but don't put the gun down either, okay? That's right. Good, keep it pointed right between my eyes. You will thank me later. 

      This was the first time I set eyes on the woman who regrettably would go on to become my wife shortly thereafter.  We'll call her Rox Ann, to protect her identify from irreparable embarrassment from association with me. 
  
By:  Nony