This first piece speaks on the power of desire and how it has an insidious effect to those feel that emotion.
Note that these pieces will be rough outlines and will be revisited in the future.
Love,
Hermia
Danger (I)
What is more dangerous than desire?
Desire is the heat the moves men and women to their knees to
plead
with heavy lidded eyes, and bodies even
heavier with want.
Heavy with neglect.
Heavy with hopes of maybes, somedays, and just wait for it.
Desire is the sighs and shifting of bodies and smiles
burnt behind your eyelids.
It rushes blood away from your head,
leaving you bereft of reason and, at times, dignity.
Is desire the beast that needs taming, domestication, and
perhaps discipline?
Or is it the only thing keeping you from completely drowning
in self-deprecation?
Your blog is so fun (even keeping in mind the somewhat pessimistic themes of some of your posts!). It's such an ambitious project to push yourself to write creatively on a regular basis. I've always wanted to write more steadily. I hope you keep it up! Sounds like a good release.
ReplyDeleteThis also sounds like a promising premise for a poem series! I wonder if a few more images fraught with a little more hidden danger and a bit darker tone might help portray some of the pitfalls of desire, that way when you give a little bit of a light at the end of the tunnel with your last line, it stands out more. I also wonder if the way you play with "heavy" might be more effective if you moved into other ways of portraying that weight. It seems like each word is a hook that you're trying to sink into your reader's skin, until they are all ripped out at the end in a somewhat cathartic release, and I think maybe adding a little more word play to the idea of "heavy" will help set some of those hooks deeper. Not sure if any of this makes sense or is helpful in the least, but I just wanted to contribute to your effort:) Hope I'm not being too presumptuous to comment on this!
I'm a bit of a realist erring on the side of pessimism. I promise that eventually something light and positive will come out.
DeleteIn regard to your comment on the usage of the idea of "heavy", I believe I understand. Is diction the key to your suggestion? Words that resonate with "heavy".
Thank you for being the first to comment!
Oh, haha, I didn't mean it to come across that anything light and positive needed to come out at all. Darkness isn't always a bad thing! About "heavy," yeah, I felt that "heavy" kept hitting with the same force, and that if you played with different words in the places where "heavy" appeared, you might be able to get more of that idea of weight across.
ReplyDeleteMaybe even adding more intent to some of the words. For example, you're using words like "burnt" and "bereft" that get across ideas of loss and desolation, but words like "shifting" and "moves" and "heat" are begging to be given more responsibility. They are almost neutral in connotation and don't add to the tone that (I think) you're pushing for. And in a poem that's relatively spare in terms of word count, each of those seem like they could be doing more. Not sure if this is helpful or even clear at all.